Because someone may be hurting and need help

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Since I've most recently watched someone very close to me suffer through the cycles of violence, I wanted to share a bit about her experience and my experience as well.

My friend is my ride or die girl.  I've watched her go through several relationships, not all that great and some downright bad, but I had thought her newest beau was a good match. He was considerably younger  but seemed invested in her small children from previous relationships and in making a life together.  She took things slow, being careful, so she thought, every step of the way, and later decided to move in and later become engaged.

Fast forward to after her wedding day and while having a simple conversation on the phone, she starts talking about their increased fighting, his out of control spending, and the fact that he had smacked her once in front of her children. The hair on the back of my neck rose and I got immediately scared.  She seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing and said her husband was tired, he had taken on a new job, and was trying to cut down on sugar, which was leading to these horrible mood swings. My heart sank.  She was talking like a classic battered wife. She was making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. I needed to help, I needed to get her out of this situation. I felt helpless and clueless on where to start...

The next 11 months were a roller coaster of sometimes daily phone calls, where she would sob over the latest incident and then tell me that they were working hard on their relationship. I can't tell you how many times he kicked her out of the home, leaving her to spend days at a motel away from her children. The ugly names he called her, the degrading way he spoke to her and eventually about her kids. She talked about how he didn't like it when she talked to her friends and she often had to delete our texts because she didn't want to trigger his anger yet she kept going back to him. Do you know why? Because she loved him. Because he had financially ruined her and she couldn't afford to leave. He was the sole breadwinner of the family and she stayed home to care for the animals and children. Because she thought it was normal for couples to scream at one another, hit one another, and to berate one another.  Because she felt it was her fault that he always got mad and one of her family members told her, in a 1950's stand by your man kind of way, that SHE needed to create a warm and inviting environment for her husband and she needed to adjust her attitude.  Don't get me started on that one.  Her closest friends banded together, kept in touch with the latest news, and worked hard to come up with out of state resources and help. My brilliant, loving, caring friend was in denial.  We couldn't force her to make these decisions, we could only be supportive and continue to confront her irrational thoughts and behaviors. Many a nights i spent curled up on the bathroom floor, the only quiet place in my house, crying with her and pleading for him leave him. I was angry, and frustrated, and scared, and every other emotion you can imagine. I was scared that if i pushed too hard, she would get mad and stop reaching out.  In the end, I had to be patient and loving and supportive until she could finally find acceptance.

It always gets uglier before it gets better and it all came to a head when she was arrested while in a heated argument with him.  She spent 120 homeless, bouncing from couch to couch, motel to motel while family cared for her children.  She worked several jobs, reached out for support from friends and family through social media, banked the cash, and was able to secure a home last month.  She did it.  She's a survivor and I'm so proud of her.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, DV is defined as "the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as a part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another".

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• A bad temper
• Verbal Abuse
• Extremely controlling behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationsjops
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
• Embarrassment of humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly

For help: https://ncadv.org/resources

NCADV. (2015) Domestiv violence national statistics. Retrieved from www.ncadv.org
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