Should have prayed for Vodka and Xanax
This time of year is particularly hard on me and my MS and I always seem to have a major relapse following the close of Christmas/New Years. The stress of meeting familial obligations, all the buying, shopping, wrapping, packing, just does me in. And this year just seems worse than normal given the extra stresses and disappointments.
My husband didn't get the job he interviewed for back in October. This was a job that I was doing at my work on top of my full time job while they were waiting to hire someone (and yes, I experienced a full blown attack after working two full time jobs for what I originally thought was a few weeks but I had to pull myself out after 3 months). We were disappointed, devastated, upset, baffled, etc. He was perfect for the job, a great fit, and I can't begin to explain how badly my family needed this. This job would have ended his daily commute that keeps him out of the home for over 12 hours a day...He could have carpooled with me and could have been home early to help with dinner, baths, homework, playtime, etc...I can't begin to explain how exhausted I am from doing all these things by myself after working a full day myself...Not to mention he would be closer to me should I get sick and need his help..The salary wasn't much different but the savings in gas from his commute would have been a huge bonus...The decrease in stress he would have encountered would have been monumental. The help I could get in the evenings would have meant the world to me..I could go on and on but it still brings me to tears. To have your husband apologize to you because he didn't get the job, for him to take that so personally and feel like he has failed me, failed us, is devastatingly heartbreaking.
So I prayed for a break. I prayed for some sort of break is this sad/lost time in our lives. And I wake up and my windshield has shattered in the cold. Fuck...Don't have the money to replace that..That same very evening my cat and dog knock over my Christmas tree shattering my glass ornaments...Double Fuck...Then my 2-year-old daughter slams a plate in my sink and breaks it into a million pieces. Ok, fuck it, I'm done...Should have prayed for Vodka and Xanax as my friend suggested...
This year I feel inadequate as a parent and my ability to give my children a good Christmas. If one more person tells me that Christmas is about giving and that my children should be happy that they have two parents that love them obviously do not have a 6-year-old and a 2-year-old who have been talking about the holiday all year and want toys...I cried when my oldest gave me his circled toy ad from Toys R Us because I just knew we couldn't do it... I have turn off notices for my electric and we can't afford to put my husband's car in the shop to get that horrible squealing noise in the engine fixed (I think it's a belt but I'm no mechanic). We've had so many unexpected car expenses for both cars all ready, medical expenses we weren't anticipating...My professional certification is due for renewal...bills from the hospital and doctor's offices are due...and on and on and on and on and on and on..
So yes, I'm depressed. I'm trying to support my husband who is seriously depressed over this job..I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying...and I feel like I'm failing.
Going to go try and find my big girl panties now...Sorry for such negativity around the holidays. Merry Christmas everyone.
My husband didn't get the job he interviewed for back in October. This was a job that I was doing at my work on top of my full time job while they were waiting to hire someone (and yes, I experienced a full blown attack after working two full time jobs for what I originally thought was a few weeks but I had to pull myself out after 3 months). We were disappointed, devastated, upset, baffled, etc. He was perfect for the job, a great fit, and I can't begin to explain how badly my family needed this. This job would have ended his daily commute that keeps him out of the home for over 12 hours a day...He could have carpooled with me and could have been home early to help with dinner, baths, homework, playtime, etc...I can't begin to explain how exhausted I am from doing all these things by myself after working a full day myself...Not to mention he would be closer to me should I get sick and need his help..The salary wasn't much different but the savings in gas from his commute would have been a huge bonus...The decrease in stress he would have encountered would have been monumental. The help I could get in the evenings would have meant the world to me..I could go on and on but it still brings me to tears. To have your husband apologize to you because he didn't get the job, for him to take that so personally and feel like he has failed me, failed us, is devastatingly heartbreaking.
So I prayed for a break. I prayed for some sort of break is this sad/lost time in our lives. And I wake up and my windshield has shattered in the cold. Fuck...Don't have the money to replace that..That same very evening my cat and dog knock over my Christmas tree shattering my glass ornaments...Double Fuck...Then my 2-year-old daughter slams a plate in my sink and breaks it into a million pieces. Ok, fuck it, I'm done...Should have prayed for Vodka and Xanax as my friend suggested...
This year I feel inadequate as a parent and my ability to give my children a good Christmas. If one more person tells me that Christmas is about giving and that my children should be happy that they have two parents that love them obviously do not have a 6-year-old and a 2-year-old who have been talking about the holiday all year and want toys...I cried when my oldest gave me his circled toy ad from Toys R Us because I just knew we couldn't do it... I have turn off notices for my electric and we can't afford to put my husband's car in the shop to get that horrible squealing noise in the engine fixed (I think it's a belt but I'm no mechanic). We've had so many unexpected car expenses for both cars all ready, medical expenses we weren't anticipating...My professional certification is due for renewal...bills from the hospital and doctor's offices are due...and on and on and on and on and on and on..
So yes, I'm depressed. I'm trying to support my husband who is seriously depressed over this job..I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying...and I feel like I'm failing.
Going to go try and find my big girl panties now...Sorry for such negativity around the holidays. Merry Christmas everyone.
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